blank pages....

Ansel Adams on color
Originally uploaded by kevindooley

I once majored in Photography. It was one of my many ambitious goals. I never completed my studies but I learned enough about photography to really understand and enjoy it. I especially loved the development process, the smell of the chemicals, taking a pure white, shiny piece of paper and watching it change bit by bit into a work of art. I feel the same about painting, sketching and writing! It is so fun to take something ordinary and change it into something magnificent, if not magnificent than at least creative.

In my art history class, it was assigned to take an impressionist art and try to figure out the meaning behind it. It was the same with my poetry class. We would have to take these great poems and dissect it line by line and sometimes word by word. To me, it took out the enjoyment of it. I do enjoy being able to understand a good poem, but I feel that ultimately some art is meant to be perceived by the viewer solely to their understanding. That's what makes a piece of art great, that it can change meaning depending on the viewer.

Dissect it too much and you end up with the blank piece of paper that they started with.

Dare I say the word?

{ How did i fall in love with you ? ,,
Originally uploaded by ` B a r c a

I have never believed in love in the typical sense of the word. I never heard bluebirds singing, felt that butterfly sensation in my tummy. Perhaps I am just to practical, to much of a realist for that type of thing... but what if it is real... and I have been wrong this entire time. What if people are out there truly craving to spend time with other people. Willing to give them every part of themselves... I know that feeling. I know what it is... I have loved, but I have never truly been loved back. That is the sad reality.

I always have believed that if two people are committed and willing, they could make their marriage work. I have never believed in "soul mates". What if I have been wrong this whole time. What if there is a predestined person out there... just like Heavenly Father predestined me for this life, this family, this moment.

I don't believe in mistakes, only growth. I could not possibly be who I am today without the struggles I have endured. I do think that I have been missing a very large part of a very important picture.

What will the picture look like, once the missing parts are complete?

A no good, terrible, rotten, very bad day...

Suburban
Originally uploaded by edsel

I was so excited when I got up this morning. After two weeks of having my kids gone (all but Eli) I was going to go pick them up! I had big plans too! I had taken the back row of seats out of the beast (similar to picture above but with the classic blue on blue two tone) and placed the kids' tiny couch and chairs so we could stop on the way back from West Yellowstone to enjoy a picnic... even if it was raining! I even packed their swimming suits in case the sun decided to shine, and then we would stop at Porter Park for a romp through their public water park. But alas, my desire was not to be so. Just outside the lava flows (about 15 miles North of Blackfoot) my poor old suburban decided it had seen enough of the road. I threw a rod and it went straight through my oil pan, rattled around for a bit, and landed somewhere on the freeway! The beast was smoking and sputtering. I pulled to the side of the road. No sooner had I stopped do I turn around to see two state troopers pull up behind me. They were kind enough to assess the situation for me. "Oh, that didn't look good." says one... pop hood, check under... "Looks bad" says the other. "Gee, thanks fellas!"

I got a tow home (Thanks Jake) and after several panicked real tears, my sister was kind enough to let me take her durango to West Yellowstone to pick up the kids. All the while emphasizing how all it had was liability. I'm thinking, "is that going to affect how I drive?" It did! I was terrified! I was so nervous the whole time that I literally went from point A to point B. No chances of getting into an accident if I don't stray off the path... at least that was my harried thinking at the time. The kids "I'm thirsty. Can we stop" Me "Nope, Can't, Sorry" Kids "I have to go potty." Me "Ummm... how bad? Nope, you can wait". Hands at 10 and 20. Check blind spots 5 times, blinker, mirrors, blind spot again, lane change. I would have rather walked to pick up the kids than dealt with the anxiety.

Bring on the car hunt.

My current readings...

remember to thank all the books you haven't read over the past three years
Originally uploaded by ailatan

I fell in love with the library at the ripe young age of 9. During the summer my Mom would take us there. My library card was the one controlled element in my life. I recall checking out at least 13 books at a time. I kept them under my bed and would spend the entire summer in my room, on the trampoline, or under the shade of a tree devouring book after book. In High School I recall staying up until 4am just reading to finish a book. I even aspired to be a great author one day.

As an adult I learned that books are my weakness. I will neglect my home and barely entertain my children if there is a book nearby. Since my children, save it be for one, have been with their step-mom for the last week, I dared to pick up a few books.

In the last week I have read "The Kite Runner" and "The Catcher in the Rye" both of which I enjoyed immensely. See, when I read a book... I don't just read the words. I involve myself. I feel the way the book would have me feel. I experience all the joy, love, pain and sorrow that the book has me feel. It leaves me completely vulnerable to all that the turn of a page sees fit to give me. To stop and put it down is like putting someone's life on hold for that moment. As if I am doing a great injustice to the main characters of the book.

If I could surround myself with the things that I love the most, it would be my children and my books. I look forward to having the children come back from their visit.... I plan on having them go on a great southern adventure with Tom Sawyer and myself.

The end of a 3rd grade year

This year has been one full of ups and downs for Seth, and really for me too. He started out the year being bullied and tortured on the bus before and after school. We sent out the forces to try to get these mean little kids to stop with no avail. I personally, wanted to kick the trash out of the 5th grader that had the nerve to pick on my child... the only thing that held me back was knowing that I would ultimately be held accountable.

I was met with grief at every turn when trying to get him on the special needs bus and getting him an IEP (started in September, accomplished in March). Seth made huge leaps in making friends (YAY!) He came home one day saying that the only friend he had was a wasp that was following him everywhere on the playground. (not a friend!)

His teacher called me one day after school telling me that he had made a friend. He talked all the way through class time, Mrs. Winter being the amazing teacher she is and recognizing this a huge triumph for Seth, let him. She called not to reprimand his behavior but to share in my joy!

Seth was able to navigate his way through his classes getting good mark on most things. A C in math, but otherwise going strong with modifications! I only got called into school 4 or 5 times to help with behaviors!

Thursday was Seth's last day. I sent him to school with a present for his teacher. A drawing that he made at Christmas time. Seth's drawing always amaze me. He leaves no part of the page uncolored. Each bit is strategically and meticulously colored and designed. Mrs. Winter mentioned how she marveled at his art and fell in love with the very picture that Seth and I had framed for her.


She called me later that day to thank me saying... "your son came to school, turned around for me to take the picture out of his backpack and when I took it out, I just started to cry. He said ' Will this help you to remember me?' and I told him 'oh, honey, I will never forget you!' he has taught me so much this year." I thought that Mrs. Winter was teaching us. She helped me get the things in order that Seth needs to succeed. She provided a shoulder to cry on when I felt all alone in my struggles. She offered advice and support when I had none and she did all of this for Seth every single day in school. She taught me... she taught Seth. I could not have asked for a better teacher than Macy.

The last day of school is always hard for Seth, but this year... it's hard for me to.

Whats wrong with my comments?

I am trying to fix my blog. It appears that certain posts don't leave room for comments. It's very frustrating. Not that I get a whole lot of comments... but what if by some random chance... that post was the one to create lots of comments. I would miss my brilliant opportunity to hear others opinions on the matter, and I would be sad. I can't have that now can I?

Holy Hail!!

I love storms. I especially love lightening and rain! I was truly sad when April came and went without a really good thunderstorm. Fortunately June is bringing in what April lacked.

Growing up we had a deck on both the front and back of our house. We (my parents and I) would always run out to the deck and sit and watch the lightening chase across the sky. Its one of my favorite things to do. I bet I would make an awesome storm chaser!

Tonight we had a freak hail storm. I had just gotten off the phone with Ken who is in Virginia who said that they had a huge thunderstorm with giant hail. No sooner did I hang up to hear the sound of hail pelting the roof. The hail was HUGE and of course, I had to run outside to roll up the windows in the beast! Odd that we would have the same weather here in Idaho as they are having 2600 miles away in Virginia.

It reminded me of when I took my religion class and we learned about the second coming. I had to report on the hailstorm. Did you know that prior to the second coming there will be hail the size of 3rd graders? It's true! Guess we are not quite there just yet.